War Stories
by CrookedMeasure
Summary: In which Renji finalizes his report of time spent in the living world, the bar goes wild and Yoruichi needs a bath.


"It was the most fucking beautiful thing I will ever see with these goddamned eyes." Renji shouted, reaching his hands toward the roof of the humble bar, the better half of the Shinigami Men's Association huddled around the table or leaning in from adjoining seats. Celebrations concerning Renji's return from the living world were well under way and the liquor was flowing.

"I was sweeping Urahara's fl- I mean I was acting as bodyguard for those two cute defenseless kids of his –after all it was the manly thing to do- when all of the sudden the roof was blown the hell away and all I'm hearing is some big-ass Menos _Grande_ taking a stroll right through the neighborhood, knockin' down the shop walls like the Fucker owns the place. So I'm about to get my Shikai on, pull a little one-two with Zabimaru and save everyone's ass n' shit but then I get distracted. And man, when I say _distracted_…"

Renji wasn't sure exactly what the face he was making _was_ after all that sake. He couldn't really feel his face anymore but he had a feeling his point was getting across. The room hollered encouragement. Shuuhei mussed Renji's hair in a very manly show of encouragement. Renji continued loudly.

"There she was, walls all torn to shit, caught mid-bath, just standing there for a half second all brown curves and… and… purple hair clinging to the tightest most supple ass…water coursing in rivulets… twin waterfalls getting mixed up with the dust and all dirty… All steamy and wet and angry and _dirty_…"

Renji broke off with a lovestruck sigh. Yumichika muttered to Ikkaku that he would rather surrender beautifully than fight a Menos Grande while covered in wall plaster. Ikkaku gave him a shove as Renji started up again.

"Former Captain of 2nd division and the Ops, Yoruichi Shihōin-Flash-Step-Fucking-Sama in all her stark naked glory takes one look at the big ass motherfucker and lets out an honest to god Amazon woman scream like she's gonna rip the balls off the poor sucker that ruined bathtime."

Renji stopped. He looked from man to man with a level of serious intensity only reached through dedicated alcohol consumption. "Seriously. Do not mess with her. That lady is terrifying. Even if by some miracle you got a piece of that, she'd destroy you. Of course, after me she was begging…"

Renji laughed as he was booed down and told to "Stick to the true stories" and "No fucking way, Eyebrows".

"Alright. Alright!" He hollered. "Anyway. No clothes. No weapon. Pissed and looking for blood. And then nothin. Gone.

Now I've fought Captain Kuchiki when he uses flash step but I've never seen anything move like that. All of the sudden she's up in the sky, skin gleaming in the sun bringing the best turned little leg in all of Karakura Town straight down on a Menos' mask, face all full of divine fury if you could spare a glance, if you know what I mean. And then it was gone. Maybe she got in another hit before it went down. Like I said, I got kind of distracted.

She landed on the ground like a stone. Fast, you know? But landed soft like all of that speed went right through her toes and into the dirt. Damndest thing. And then she turns and looks at me and starts prowling on over, eyes all on fire, that kinda satisfied angry, bouncing just a little, closer, closer. Sex on legs and she looks _hungry_."

Renji stopped. Sipped delicately from his glass. Iba swatted it across the room. Renji grabbed a rice ball to nibble on. Ikkaku ate it. Renji nursed his bitten fingers and cleared his throat.

"She's right in front of me now and still walking and getting closer and not stopping and I… and I…" He hung his head in shame, "I stepped out of the way and she walked right by, like I hadn't been there at all."

The rest of the bar groaned in sympathy. Kira was too busy contemplating the possible benefits of his Shikai in such a situation to do more than murmur, "I wonder if I could use Wabisuke on myself. Stand my ground or loose my ankles trying…"

Renji lifted his head and poured a new glass for himself.

"She walked right over to the nearest house, knocked on the door, still naked to the world, and told them that she'd be using their bath, thank-you-very-much. Neighbor folks can't even see Shinigami! But they let her in with just a nod and a smile! House next door is ground zero and they don't bat an eye. I still can't understand it!"

Renji shrugged and took another gulp as he rose, teetering toward the door.

"So tha's what I'm gonna put on my report tomorrow when Captain Kuchiki asks for a status report from the living world. Situation Normal: Shihōin-sama still has the finest ass this side of Hueco Mundo. Damn thing's magical."

The Shinigami Men's association poured the last of the sake into their cups and raised one last toast to Situation Normal as Renji fell into a ditch.

**Epilogue:**

Renji twitched in the harsh light, "Where the… Aw hell. I've gotta…" He flopped a little but gave up as a cloud blotted out the sun. "Aurg, thank god for some shade." Renji muttered, clutching his head to try to keep it from oozing out into the… Why the hell was he in a ditch?

"You're welcome." Kuchiki Byakuya stated solemnly.

"Captain!" Renji yelped as he scrambled to his feet, tugging futilely at his clothes, "How did you know I was here?"

Byakuya sniffed and raked his eyes over their surroundings. They took in everything but plainly found nothing except new reasons to turn those eyes on his willful young lieutenant. "I think I can manage to find my own lieutenant, even in this unsavory environment. You did not report for duty this morning."

"Er, Sorry Captain. I was…"

"Passed out in a ditch." Byakuya finished.

"Y-yeah."

Turning swiftly on his heel, Byakuya cut a brisk pace in the direction of Sereitei. Renji followed as best he could.

"In the interest of time, Abarai-kun, you will give your report on our way back to headquarters. You may begin."

Renji blinked for a moment. Opened his mouth. Shut it. Shrugged.

"Well Captain, it was the most fucking beautiful thing I will ever see with these goddamned eyes…"


End file.
